Fragile Sentiments...

Lately I have become imbibed with the notion of people having crystal globes on their head in my paintings I had the meaning set for this since the notion was conceived, yet, as I was walking perhaps two hours ago I stumbled into a new meaning these same globes had for me. Before going to work I was seem a friend I was trying to be find a golden fish (a fish that turned out to be simply fictious) and a secret, he was making prints. After a few seconds of searching for the secret I developed a theory (a rather far fetched and albeit sad theory, but I needed to see if it was true) and rushed to the other studio, I walked in to find perhaps twenty or thirty prints and a seemingly slightly vexed or at least aloof friend (sadly, as single-minded as I can be paid no notice to this fact and began to ramble about my theory). Theory was moot since there had not been a fish at all. Conversation soon turned to pointlessness with questions such as "Why do Art when no one cares?" and emotional turmoil about having to depend on other to live as an artist. However at this point I was already late for work and had to go. I began to write a letter (still unfinished) addressing some of these issues. Sometimes I process better when writing.

to sleepy to continue... tomorrow you will meet me again cyberspace

Absolutely Tired...

I am absolutely, completely tired, yet, not sleepy... today I wanted to try something out no music, no movies, no reading, no technology... I failed recurrently but for many hours I succeeded. I love to read, and to just listen to music yet how is this constant activity influencing my brain? For me it is very important to answer this, is all this making me be more inspired or not? After my couple of hours of not having all that I previously mentioned I became more acutely aware of the amount of time that all this took (reading complete worth it, as are movies and music, sometimes, but for example the time I use just browsing the web...or simply keep myself busy, instead of using my time wisely [here I don't mean working to become wealthy or powerful, I am simply referring to doing something that would enrich my soul] I began to paint) And after working on my self portrait until stopping was necessarily I came to bed and found that I was completely tired. And it is this feeling burned out how I feel I should be living my days, doing, doing, doing (painting, drawing, friends, family) this is the being burned up feeling I want. If I still have more in me by the time I hit the bed them maybe I could have done more.This exact tiredness is what I felt almost all days last semester and it was worth it, I grew in so many ways.

As a foot note I want to add to myself that rest is also valuable, energy sometimes needs to be regained.

Farewell Cyber-world!

Writing To Document Different Swings...

     What does it take to be happy? I wish I knew, sometimes I feel in kilter and alright, but once I open the door for the question I am over flooded with emotions more often than not sadness, sorrow. It has usually felt for me that as long as I remain in action I can stay composed but when it stops, or when I am still I crumble, always this feeling, a void. I am feeling this now,  I just stormed away all because of a remark for interrupting, my own fault, it not a normal way to react. I don't expect normalcy, I don't believe in normalcy; but I wish I could change this in me, I usually have flashes that I often regret, asking for forgiveness does not feel like enough. It takes a lot to control myself at times like this and I don't always achieve it, it's instant regret. I don't stay mad for long, but I remain feeling guilty for the outburst for a long, long while. In painting I was told quite often that it was as if I where two people; as far as emotions are concerned I feel that way how can one be so enamored by life when the other is in pain, regretting, and containing the tears. Where is the balance? Which is the self?
     Silent Sadness, stashed away for me, it has a terrible way of creeping up, simply enveloping me, brought on by anything making me desolate. In my opinion my nature is melancholic, for a while most people disagreed, but I am becoming more able to cope, I think. I am fixing myself little by little.

Soundtrack: The Perishers - Nothing Like You and I

I woke up during a pivotal point in my dream and this is probably why I can still some of it. The earliest fragment I can remember was being at Austin (not the real Austin, TX but the one from my dream things are much closer and the weather is much nicer) I was exploring there and had walked to the next town and back to meet my mother. I had told her of the small travels I had done in the area even though I knew she would be worried about my doing this all on foot. The countryside by the city was lovely, now that I am awake I realize that it was very similar to that of Eger in Hungary. We went to have dinner, yet sometime during this I became a different person. I had an office type of job and at a subway station I ran across someone I seemingly already knew and was in love with. The color palette in the dream changed and now it was cold and grayer. As time passed however my acquaintance began to blend unto the wall of the subway, little by little until just his head and arm were out, he was still able to speak... the feeling at this moment was quite eerie and as I was trying to get an explanation of what was occurring my alarm sounded, everything vanished, how I detest for a dream to end on a cliffhanger.

Conversations About Virginia Woolf, Vampires, and How to Commit Suicide....

        Yesterday was my fist day of summer classes Biology I and Biology Lab not exactly a fun class that will absorb my mind, but when faced with the thought of doing it for a month now or an entire semester doing it now seem like the much nicer option; I don't doubt that my future self will appreciate it. It was just lab safety dos and don'ts so I got off about an hour and a half early. I wandered about campus looking for a cool place to be, I wound up at Starbucks. After some tea a string of events led me shatter a long held belief that I do not like to talk on the telephone. A friend and I had had trouble communicating for a couple of days now, so I gave him a good trip call. A conversation with this particular friend can brand from amusing to something that will bring a bit of enlightenment. After conversing for a bit I was abruptly asked "What do you know about Virginia Woolf?" I knew nothing, half a second later I began to learn about her, about a movie (one that I had been meaning to watch, ah the wonderful circles of life) The Hours and how Woolf had committed suicide, she filled her clothing with stones and then jumped to a river. leaving a beautiful letter to her husband.
               Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V
           After hearing this letter and reading it we began to ponder on how we would commit suicide, never with water drowning is dreadful, perhaps jumping off a building? my friend felt that it was the quickest and surest way since taking shooting oneself is not certain there is always the chance that you might miss and just take a long time to die, or end up paralyzed, wrist slitting would not even be considered since I faint at the sight of blood, however I would opt for jumping off a bridge, just make sure that it is high enough my friend decided that jumping of an airplane and not using his parachute. Strange, strange conversations but after discussing suicide for a bit we concluded with the thought that we did not and hoped to never commit suicide. After wishing him a safe trip and a talk about vampires we said good bye, and it dawned on me, I had been on the phone for a little over an hour, perhaps I don't mind phone talking the way I had always thought so. And a perfect ending to a blog entry, albeit completely unrelated, a lovely the Little Prince image.

Paper-cuts and Blind Pilot...

Yesterday I was thinking how often people give flowers and though I love that, I have always been or a rather romantic nature, it is rather sad to give each other something that will no longer have life in it. The last few times that I have seen a pretty flower and automatically leaned to grab it something has help me back, told me to let it be and let it grow. A wise friend told me to follow my intuition, and I am trying to pay close attention to it and follow it;  it's hard but I try to stay aware and remain open, I no longer an so careless. I think it would be even more lovely to give each other seeds or potted flowers, if its a memento of fond feelings isn't something that has the possibility to grow better that something that will just whither  away?

Conversations In Vehicles...

Somewhat sad and a bit gray is how I am feeling right now. As I moved further and further from religion it also became more difficult for me to relate to people. The good thing is that I do have a few friends, people that I can count on, talk to, cherish.. other people on the other hand I struggle with; I don't mean to keep them at a distance it's just hard to express yourself sometimes... I often wind up trying to keep everything and everyone together it's exhausting and I don't succeed very much. I often get polarized and absorbed by one thing and completely neglect the others. This is something I am trying to fix, to fix when it relates to people. Months ago I would have shivered at the motion of seeking balance because it's not the type of person I am and for some time it had been entwined in my mind with setting, I am learning to process that it is not. Recently my family has been becoming much more spiritual oriented, I love this and while in some aspects I can connect to them on a deeper level on some I still can't. Some day I feel ecstatic because of the conversations we share, others I just feel unsatisfied. I'm the problem but, as I wrote, it's difficult for me to vociferate my feelings to many people.