What does it take to be happy? I wish I knew, sometimes I feel in kilter and alright, but once I open the door for the question I am over flooded with emotions more often than not sadness, sorrow. It has usually felt for me that as long as I remain in action I can stay composed but when it stops, or when I am still I crumble, always this feeling, a void. I am feeling this now, I just stormed away all because of a remark for interrupting, my own fault, it not a normal way to react. I don't expect normalcy, I don't believe in normalcy; but I wish I could change this in me, I usually have flashes that I often regret, asking for forgiveness does not feel like enough. It takes a lot to control myself at times like this and I don't always achieve it, it's instant regret. I don't stay mad for long, but I remain feeling guilty for the outburst for a long, long while. In painting I was told quite often that it was as if I where two people; as far as emotions are concerned I feel that way how can one be so enamored by life when the other is in pain, regretting, and containing the tears. Where is the balance? Which is the self?
Silent Sadness, stashed away for me, it has a terrible way of creeping up, simply enveloping me, brought on by anything making me desolate. In my opinion my nature is melancholic, for a while most people disagreed, but I am becoming more able to cope, I think. I am fixing myself little by little.
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